Friday 14 January 2011

That wasn't me (that was Stewart Lee)

This song is so new it doesn't even have a band or tune yet. It's been given to both Doug and Martin and I envision the verses sounding something like "North American scum" by LCD Soundsystem. But faster.

This a song born of jealousy really. Stewart Lee looks a bit like me (we're both ex-thin men with quiffs who have probably drunk more than is good for us) and he lives near me, he has simillar interests and likes a lot of the same music as I do. However he is almost universally acknowledged as the finest comedian of his generation and I am an anonymous sad-sack who can't get his book published. So, as you can see, I would seem to be motivated solely by jealousy.

And yet...

I can't even sustain even that level of bitterness, as the all too telling last verse records...

n.b. my first novel "A Devil in Camelot" is much better than Stewart's first (and to date only)novel "The Perfect Fool" and yet his, and only his, was published. This is because he is an award winning comedian with a proven fan-base and a television career stretching back almost two decades and the only time I've ever been on T.V. is when I was stopped by the cameras of "Thames Valley T,V." and asked about the mooted closure of Reading town centre's infamous "smelly alley".

Later that same day, on trying to buy a pair of shoes, I went to the cash machine and realised that I had completely forgotten my pin-number. It was just gone; forever. I had to ring the bank and ask for a new one and I never got the shoes.
This never happens to Stewart Lee who can afford expensive plastic surgery in order to render his pin-number handily on the back of his eyelids for safe and secure retrieval. He favours comic sans. But then he would.

That wasn’t me ( that was Stewart Lee)

Did I see you at the gig last night,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
Alone at the bar and your jacket too tight,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
You sneered and you snorted at every song,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
And then went home before the main-act came on,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,

That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,

Did I see signing copies of your book,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
The one that rambled on and on like a song without a hook,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
Did I hear you got a second series on BBC2
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
Love all the rolling on the floor stuff that you do
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee

That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,

I look in the mirror and my face is a mess,
Stewart Lee haunts me like the ghost of success,
Like the same things, dress the same way, lives close by,
He’s a much better version of myself though I try and I try,

Did I hear you mostly wasted your time,
Yeah that was me not Stewart Lee,
Booze, broken bones and the search for semi-accurate rhymes,
Yeah that was me not stewart Lee,
Did I hear that you still don’t make any money,
Yeah that was me not Stewart Lee,
You’re a fat smart arse in a bad suit who thinks he’s funny,
Hey that both me and Stewart Lee,

That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,
That wasn’t me that was Stewart Lee,

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